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08 December 2014

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Armand "Fuck Cooking Food, I'll Eat It Raw" Tanny

One year after the end of the Great War, something amazing happened in Rochester, New York- the Tanny brothers' badass mom spurted forth the younger brother of the guy who went on to build the first serious chain of bodybuilding gyms across the country... a younger brother who would go on to bang innumerable sluts and out-perform Hermann Goerner in the one arm clean.  That man's name should be fresh on the lips of every hard trainer on the planet, yet hardly anyone's fucking heard of him.  

The name, which should taste sweeter on your lips than Dmitry Klokov's superhuman semen and go down smoother than a bikini model's bleached, waxed asshole, is Armand Tanny.

Vic Tanny at the age of 30 on the far left.  Joe Weider's in the center.

At the ripe old age of 13, Armand Tanny's older brother bought him his first weight set as a present apparently designed to land him into the "Coolest Fucking Brothers on Earth Hall of Fame" in the first ballot drawing.  That weight set crippled Armand for the next day, after he trained himself into what was likely rhabdo and left him barely able to move for the next couple days.  The muscle protein cannibalizing weight set, however, povided some of the original equipment for the Tanny family gym, and became the birthplace of his brother's, Vic Tanny, chain of gyms that was bought out by Bally's a few decades later.  After training with his brother and the neighborhood guys for only five years, Tanny became one of the few people in the United States to clean and jerk 300 lbs, earning him nationwide attention for his prodigious strength and sick physique... all by the age of 18.

From there, Tanny enrolled in college, attending the a local Rochester school until being lured to the Southern California beaches with the promise of untold amounts of half-naked ass, badass weather, and the best strength training/bodybuilding scene in the country.  After collecting enough credits to qualify as a physical therapist, Tanny was lured away from his premed program by delicious vagina and sandy beaches.  He'd funded his schooling with professional wrestling, at which Tanny blew dogshit, but apparently paid for his party-boy/wrestling/sun-worshipping lifestyle as he amassed a 9W-19L record over the next 20 years even after injuring his knee so badly in a collegiate wrestling match that he had to give up full squats for the rest of his life.

"It wasn't that I couldn't finish med school.  I just loved the beach.  I wanted to be there from dawn to dusk.  Education is one thing, but you have to keep your perspective.  You see, I loved chasing pretty girls." -Armand Tanny [actual quote]

If you're a "normie", you likely think that meant that Tanny just hung it up and took up knitting, like every old-timer who will talk a muscular guy's ear off with tales of what I believe to be entirely fabricated tales of bygone weightlifting glory.  Nope.  His brother Vic followed closely on his heels to Southern California and opened what was widely acknowledged to be the best gym in the area.  Training there and on the weekends with strongman and woman Les and Pudgy Stockton; acrobat, Hollywood stuntman, Russ Saunders; and bodybuilder, strongman, and inventor of the Universal Gym, Harold Zinkin in a homemade weight pit they built on the beach as a predecessor to Muscle Beach, Armand built one of the greatest and strongest physiques the nation had yet seen.

This is what happens when pussies aren't on the internet talking about lifting instead of lifting.

Two years later, and in spite of his debilitating knee injury, he placed second in the heavyweight class in the Junior Nationals competition in 1941. At a bodyweight of 190lbs and height of 5'9", he put up an impressive 230lb press, 250 lb snatch, and 330 lb clean and jerk (Draper). Later that year, Armand became the Pacific Coast weightlifting champion with a 270 press, 280 snatch, and 360 clean and jerk, again at a bodyweight of 190, which was exceedingly light for a heavyweight (Wieder).  His most impressive lift, however, was a 300 lb one arm clean at that bodyweight, which was his pet lift and the lift that garnered him the most fame.

Over the next few years, Tanny gained even more fame for his broad-assed shoulders and barn-door lats, in addition to his massive one arm clean, and his brother and Joe Wieder eventually convinced him to enter a couple of bodybuilding competitions.  During the 1940s, he lived with and trained with Steve Reeves and George Eiferman, both of whom were legendary Mr. Americas and actors, and the latter was the inspiration for the cartoon character George of the Jungle.  

Though he only competed four times, he ended up with a fairly impressive record:
  • 1949 Pro Mr America, Winner. 
  • 1949 IFBB North American Championships, 4th.  Clarence Ross winner, Alan Stephan second, Floyd Page third, Armand Tanny fourth, Leo Robert fifth.
  • 1949 Mr USA, 5th.  John Grimek first, Clarence Ross second, Steve Reeves third, George Eiferman fourth, and Tanny fifth out of a field of fifteen competitors.
  • 1950 Mr USA, Winner.  Defeated George Eiferman and Vince Gironda. 
Thereafter, he quit the stage for a brief sojourn to Hawaii, then returned to become a part of the legendary Mae West's travelling revue, which was a combination of burlesque, bodybuilders, and comedy.  This act was so popular it drew crowds bigger than those legendary crooner Frank Sinatra was drawing at the time, which would basically be akin to a travelling freakshow with bodybuilders, Carrot Top, and run by Joan Rivers' reanimated corpse out-drawing Taylor Swift.  Thereafter, presumably due to the fact he was exhausted from all of the fucking he had done for the last 35 year, Tanny signed on with Joe Wieder as a writer and started training with proto-powerlifters for fun.  When asked why he never competed in the fledgling sport of powerlifting or again in bodybuilding, Tanny's response was simple- he'd proven everything he needed to, and there was no money whatsoever in either sport.  Why spend time and money pursuing sports that would afford him nothing but expense when he could make plenty of money managing his bothers' gyms and use it to train and hang out on the beach all day?

At this point, you should likely be wondering what sort of a program this maniac followed- one that allowed him to bang whichever beach-going sloots upon whom he happened, afforded him the ability to crush both professional bodybuilders and elite-level weightlifters.  From everything I can tell, the man was all over the place with experimentation and didn't follow any kind of a set program- instead, he just trained for a couple of hours a day 6-7 days a week, mixing in gymnastics on the beach, swimming, and wrestling as well.

NOTE: Unlike today's pussy lifters, Tanny did not avoid recreational activities and sports to avoid injury for lifting, which likely kept him from incurring much in the way of injuries.  

One of the programs Armand Tanny used was a superset program to get the biggest pump on as many muscles as possible.  To do so, he picked opposing muscle groups to be worked for as many sets and reps as possible in ten minutes (Supersets).  Thus, in 50 minutes, he and his training partners got a brutal, full body pump that they then took to the beach to use in banging sloots.

1. Deadlift
1. Abdominal Raise

2. Two Arm Press
2. Two Arm Chin

3. Deep Knee Bend
3. Leg Curl

4. Bench Press
4. Bentover Rowing Motion

5. Biceps Curl
5. Triceps Curl

Though Armand was a bit of a pretty boy (a lot of a bit of a pretty boy), he was heavily involved in powerlifting at its inception, and trained with early champion bench presser Pat Casey and powerlifting phenom Bill "Peanuts" West.  As a result of training with such unconventional and hideously strong juggernauts of the strength world, Tanny ended up espousing some really unconventional training methods and techniques.  For instance, Tanny once wrote as lovingly as most fanboys write about Dan Green's every bowel movement of the "touch" method.  This method was developed by Bill West and is the bane of every single internet douchebag "lifter"'s existence- HE LOVED PARTNER ASSISTED REPS.

Yup- you know the handsy spotters helping the bench bros bounce your squat max off their chests with aplomb in your gym?  Well, apparently that shit gets the job done... and not just on the bench press- Bill West's team used the method on everything in the gym, from the bench to the clean pull to the press to the deadlift and squat.  Bear witness:
"As time went by, he thought why be so conservative --- get in there and really help the guy trying to make the lift. Get hold of him bodily when necessary, apply the pressure. The closer the contact, the more realistic the assistance. The idea started getting clearer when Bill used the heavy touch on the power rack bench squat. How was a man going to get that first squat started from a sitting position on the bench with the bar resting on the shoulder level on the cross pins, loaded to two or three hundred pounds more than his best regular squat? A helper on each end usually results in an uneven spot. A steadier and more practical way proved to be method of getting directly behind the lifter, bear hugging him under the arms, and simply boosting him to a standing position."
"The method may prove awkward at first, but after a bit of practice, the spotter gets to know the lifter’s particular sticking points and the amount of help he really needs. The whole idea of the touch system is to transfer power past sticking points. Complete movements can be made with heavier than regular limit lifts. The lifter gets the opportunity to use very heavy weights."
Bill "Peanuts" West using the touch method on a dude in his underwear.
"Bill West, himself, was averaging 575 from the deck in every deadlift workout. But for some reason- and it went on for a whole year- he could not make 600 high deadlift. The secret eluded him. He knew if he could high deadlift heavy, his regular deadlift would go up. In a very brief period, using the touch system, it happened exactly that way. His high deadlift program went like this:
505 x 5555 x 1575 x 1605 x 1615 x 1 Touch system630 x 1 Touch system655 x 1 Touch system670 x 1 Touch system405 x 5His regular deadlift shot up to 630" (Tanny). 

Both Armand Tanny and Bill West trained frequently with Pat Casey, the first man to officially bench press over 600 lbs.  Casey was a huge fan of bench press lockouts, and over time both West and Tanny came to share his appreciation for partials.  One day a week was devoted to lockout work, while a second chest day allowed for full range max work. The first series of sets was done as the photo above indicates- with the pins 2" above the chest:

"145 x 10
185 x 10
245 x 5
270 x 3
295 x 4 reps x 5 sets
The second series of sets is done with the bar elevated 4 or 5 additional inches but not over 8 inches above the chest:
325 x 1
345 x 1
370 x 6 singles
290 x 10 reps" (Lockout Prones).  

By far and away the most interesting tidbit about Tanny was his I'm-So-Fucking-Paleo-I-Don't-Even-Use-Fire diet- after visiting Hawaii, Tanny came back raving about the badass Somoans he'd met.  Tanny reportedly gushed about them like a schoolgirl about the Jonas Brothers, claiming: "They ate everything raw.  you name it, fish, meat, beetles - everything!  They were so strong and healthy" (Roach 183).  After seeing the enormity of their bodies (they're 5'10' on average and have abnormally dense muscle and bone tissue) and their prodigrous strength, Tanny changed his diet entirely and started eating everything raw- .75 to 1.5lbs meat a day (tuna, beef, liver, lobster, oysters, clams), in addition to nuts, seeds, fruits and vegetables.  He took it even further than that- he would walk out into the surf while hanging out at the beach and kick up 6'-7' clams to eat as a snack.  Then, Tanny added the advice of the first modern nutritionist Gayelord Hauser and added brewer's yeast, dessicated liver, yogurt, black strap molasses, and wheat germ oil in an effort to aid digestion and improve his longevity (Roach 184).

Tanny felt like the creatine in his diet, obtained from the massive amounts of raw meat he was eating, was the reason he was able to bring such a complete package of size, cuts, and muscularity to the stage, all while maintaining a level of strength that made him the envy of other lifters around the country at 200 lbs.  Clearly, the fact that he had been training hard with what basically amounted to an early powerbuilding routine for nearly 20 years by the time he won the pro Mr. USA played a major role as well, in addition to the fact that he added an immense amount of GPP to his program in the form of gymnastics on the beach and wrestling.

Every day was Christmas for Armand Tanny.

Whatever it was, Armand Tanny definitely saw the inside of enough women in a relatively prudish time, made a pretty tidy sum of money, lived in the nicest climates in the US, and basically lived as a gym going beach bum who garnered a reputation for being one of the most muscular and strongest dudes in the country- all without really competing- to have baddest motherfucker status fully engaged.

Armand Tanny.  Dave Draper Online.  Web.  2 Dec 2014.

Doonan, Simon.  Eating Gruel and Loving It.  Slate.  28 Mar 2012.  Web.  8 Dec 2014.

Roach, Randy.  Muscle, Smoke, and Mirrors, Volume 1.  Bloomington: Authorhouse, 2008.

Tanny, Armand.  Touch System for the Deadlift.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  18 Jun 2014.  Web.  8 Dec 2014.

Tanny, Armand.  Lockout Prones.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  16 May 2011.  Web.  3 Dec 2014.

Tanny, Armand.  Supersets for super size.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  9 Jun 2011.  Web.  3 Dec 2014.

Thurber, Jon.  Armand Tanny dies at 90; Muscle Beach bodybuilder won national titles in '49, '50.  LA Times.  9 Apr 2009.  Web.  4 Dec 2014.

Todd, Terry.  Armand Tanny remembers Steve Reeves.  Iron Game History.  Dec 2000: 6(4);24-25.

27 November 2014

Hey Crossfit Haters- Prepare To Eat A Cock Sandwich

The infamous 365 lb hitched pull from a broad that apparently lives within a stone's throw of me- this was her third attempt, pulled 75 seconds after her second attempt and within the rules set forth by CrossFit.  Best part?  If she actually learned to deadlift rather than pulling like it was a clean, half of the people reading this would be forced to commit ritual suicide because of what she'd be pulling.

A disclaimer to begin- I am capable of differentiating between CrossFit and competitive CrossFit- and asked competitive CrossFitter Brooke Haas to explain the difference:
"Training CrossFit:
       -This is who the vast majority of my clientele are and I absolutely love it. These are people that use CrossFit for what it is truly designed for and in many ways it’s a means to an end. They don’t just want to be good in the gym but outside those walls as well. They want to be better cyclists, skiers, hikers, parents, grandparents, athletes… you name it. They use CrossFit to increase their base level of GPP (general physical preparedness) and this correlates to better performance in their specific sport or life.
It doesn’t mean they are any less of an “athlete” than any one of us out there, but they have different goals. In my opinion people can train CrossFit like this for a lifetime. We can come in the gym once a day, follow a 3 on 1 off cycle, or a 3 on 1 off 2 on 1 off cycle of training and see results for years to come. With good varied programming we will get strong, increase our endurance, see improved times, etc. Our work capacity across broad times and modal domains will increase which is the goal regardless. Over time we may need to target some of our weaknesses to help “level out” our work capacity but realistically it could take years and years to get there if at all. For some of us that day may never come depending on what our previous athletic/training background may be. 
      The sacrifice here is minimal. In most cases these people may just be switching training programs and their time commitments and priorities won’t change. Likely we would see these athletes making sacrifices for other goals they may have if any (qualifying for the Boston Marathon, winning a local mountain bike series, working to become a pro surfer). Either way CrossFit is there to develop their base and if any sacrifices are made they would be due to other avenues. 
2. CrossFit as a Recreational Sport:
-This is the person that has been introduced to CrossFit and enjoys the competition aspect of it. Maybe they enter a local competition and find themselves more attracted to this side of CrossFit. Team competitions, local throw downs possibly offering “scaled” divisions as well as “rx’d”, and CrossFit is starting to become more of a sport to them. These athletes may pay closer attention to targeting some of their weaknesses in order to “fast track” their fitness. This is a legitimate goal and one that I think a lot of people fall into. 
      Having specific and realistic goals here are going to be important to helping us define where we are along the line of the competition realm. A good association here is the difference between any recreational and professional sport. You may like to play tennis, golf, compete in a local soccer or softball club, go to swim meets, etc. but it’s a different demand and commitment than those that play those sports professionally.
Sacrifices may start to be required of those that are treating CrossFit more as a sport. Generally it’s going to be more time spent in the gym with either consistency or additional work. It may include some more specific programming outside of the regular class. We may need to pay closer attention to our diets and learn how to treat competitions and train for them as well as how to manage them. Overall it should still be FUN for us though. We can take it seriously but we also haven’t invested “all” of ourselves into an event so we SHOULD be having fun with the journey as well as the competitions along the way.
3. CrossFit as a Sport (Elite Level):
       -Some may think it’s a stretch to call it professional but I disagree. Those that are at the top of the field these days generally make it a living to train. The sacrifices here are heavy and things are not always fun. It’s work, hard work and these athletes are willing to put it in regardless of the outcome and they risk the time invested. I know a number of Games athletes and almost ALL of them either train at a gym, own a gym, or simply compete and do nothing else. Their lifestyle allows them to focus primarily on training and this is what it takes to be at an ELITE level. Most of them have lengthy previous experience in athletics or some kind of strength and conditioning program. Having a base level of fitness and having good exposure to strength training is a plus and although not mandatory it is rare to see people competing at a high level without this. It just takes a whole lot of hard work, and that takes time. 
       This athlete is someone that can basically do every workout on as rx’d, no scaling necessary and posts competitive times/scores with top Regional (top 5 or so) athletes and Games competitors past and present. They may go to some of the more well known competitions and place well. Qualify for Regionals without specific training for the Open and are legitimate contenders for the Games (Top 5-7 in a Region). Truthfully it’s a small percentage of the population of our community. One that makes sacrifices just as any other athlete trying to reach the peak of their sport would. We may find them working through aches and pains, potential injuries, and having to pay close attention on their training programs as well as maintenance outside of the gym as well. Specific programming is often required in the area of the athletes weaknesses and they have to be ever evolving as the demands of these competitors continually increase. Volume will typically increase depending on the age of the athlete and most of them will either have a coach or a group of likeminded individuals at a similar level to train with.
      The sacrifices that are made in the present for these athletes may or may not effect their overall well being in the future. Some of those aches and pains may turn into something more and the risk is worth the potential reward for these athletes. The goals they set in the near future can come at a high price, some who are willing just pay up."
Behold a CrossFittor outlifting you without straps.  Elgin will save you.  Pussy.

That said, allow me to begin this epic rant by addressing the video everyone who lifts and is on Facebook as seen- Elgintensity's "Deadlifts from the Washed Up Loser Olympics."  I'm sure half of you agreed with him in his commentary, as half of you were likely outdeadlifted by the 123 lb girls and/or 190 lb in that video.  As Elgin likes to say, "haters gonna hate," because he's a fucking halfwit who's marginally more original than his poor man's Ben Stein delivery would indicate, and he lives up to that credo with every second of his "I've never seen a strongman deadlift in competition" commentary.


Before we continue, let's look at the God of the Waterheads' in gym performance.  At a skinnyfat and wholly unimpressive bodyweight that appears to be 180 lbs of bird shit, Elginsaddity is apparently setting the weak-as-fuck and sloppier-than-Phillip-Seymour-Hoffman's-rotting-heroin-infused-corpse ass end of the strength training world on fire with a 425lb squat that impresses literally no one on Earth, an actually respectable 335 bench, and a CrossFit-tastic 545 deadlift.  In other words, he is basically on par with the strength levels of the Crossfitters upon whom he incessantly bags, but is in no way, shape or form strong enough to consider himself the authority on lifting he apparently does.  But wait, you might be thinking- isn't this entire article about how Crossfitters don't suck at lifting, and is it not hypocritical to then call Elgin a mediocre lifter?  Not at all, because CrossFitters consider themselves CrossFitters and don't provide the powerlifts as the sole metrics of their overall strength, as the "Subhuman's Champion" does.  This "champion" is in reality a mediocre lifter who does a bad Ben Stein impression while demonstrating a laughable paucity of strength training knowledge and above-average Windows Movie Maker skills.

Behold the awesome physique of the "People's Champion."

In an effort to garner undeserved internet fame by capitalizing on the wave of butthurt in the strength community that is CrossFit hate, Elginsaddity put himself front and center in the interminable "I hate CrossFit because I'm fat and weak and they're at the very least not fat" discussion by posting a couple of videos criticizing the "form" used by CrossFitters.  This is, of course, the How this trend got started is up for discussion- I'd posit it's likely due to the incessant rambling by CrossFitters about the superiority of their sport in comparison to others.  Like chihuahuas and their incessant ankle-biting and yapping, the CrossFitters' ankle-biting and yammering is certainly obnoxious, and some measure of hatred of them is therefore deserved.  Unlike Chihuahuas, however, CrossFitters are not simply rackety, useless creatures capable of doing nothing but impotent aggression, carpet shitting, and general obnoxiousness (no, that's left to the fans of Elgin Mones).  CrossFitters might be more annoying than a roomful of 16 year old entitled cunts at a Sweet Sixteen birthday party, but they are generally incredibly good-looking, reasonably (and in some cases exceptionally) strong people who compete in a sport that has in a few short years eclipsed strongman, powerlifting, and Olympic weightlifting in popularity.

Say what you want about CrossFit, but those motherfuckers can draw a crowd.

Yeah- as much as you guys wish it weren't so, CrossFit is actually an immensely popular spectator sport.  Whereas no one in their right mind travels to a powerlifting or Olympic weightlifting or powerlifting meet to serve as a spectator, and few major strongman meets draw appreciable crowds, the CrossFit Games have drawn crowds of between 24 and 30 thousand people the last couple of years.  Though the popularity of any given thing is often inversely proportional to the coolness of that thing, the willingness of the average person to watch a bunch of people engage in exercise that average person cannot possibly comprehend or associate with any physical activity is rather telling.  Clearly, the sport has a hook that extends beyond a bunch of people with too much money, board and booty shorts, and a collection of cameras that would shame even the most extreme Instragram-obssessed narcissist- it's appealing to a spectrum of people that includes a wide array of strength and aesthetics sports, in addition to the average person.

CrossFitters- better looking and more muscular than most other strength athletes... which makes them more marketable and thus "better" from an economic standpoint, at the very least.

I realize, however, that many of you will claim that my statement regarding the strength of CrossFitters is specious, as literally none of the internet's CrossFit naysayers even possess the modicum of motivation necessary to do the scantiest of research, nevermind actually pick up something heavy (if you haven't yet caught on, I'm stating, unequivocally, that it is only pussies who claim to lift and dont, shmoes, and undeservedly self-important Asian ambulance chasers who hate CrossFit [with one notable exception]).  So, without further adieu, let's examine metrics collected from the CrossFit website itself by author and scientist Chris Beardsey of  Let me reiterate- these metrics were not fabricated by myself, nor were they fabricated at all- instead, they are considerably dated (which I'll address shortly), low-end metrics provided by the CrossFitters to CrossFit over the last few years, compiled and analyzed by Chris Beardsley.  I realize Elginsaddity's fans have already had problems wrapping their feeble, protein-starved, undertrained minds around this fact, so I will reiterate once more:

THESE METRICS ARE FREELY AVAILABLE TO INTERNET SHIT TALKERS ON THE CROSSFIT WEBSITE.  Feel free to go fuck yourselves, by the way, Elgin fans- you're a lot of cunts incapable of working the fucking Google machine with big mouths and tiny cocks.

Yup- they look like total pussies to me.  Good call, internet.  
Kill yourselves.  I don't care how you do it, so long as you're dead.

First off, we need a baseline for the determination of relative strength.  Thus, we must take a look at the bodyweight.  The top 125 Crossfitters in the country are all roughly between 150 and 225 lbs, the bulk of them (and seemingly the most successful of them) are between 180lbs and 210lbs, and the median all of the top 500 CrossFitters is about 190 lbs, which would put them in the 181 class for powerlifting.  Yes, the 181 class- they're actually competitive athletes, meaning they will compete at their optimal bodyweight using whatever means are at their disposal to ensure victory.  As such, we will use performance metrics for 181 lb athletes to assess their performance.

Though likely of little interest to the bulk of you, I found it interesting that the best of the CrossFit men, with one notable exception in that little 150lber, are between 5'10" and 6' and between 190 and 205.  Here's a comparison of the height and weight of the top 500 CrossFitters:

So, now that we have that out of the way, let's look at the reported deadlift on the CrossFit website for the top 125 Crossfitters- they've got two guys who deadlift over 650 and a couple more who deadlift over 600, with an average of around 510.  The top 75 all deadlift over 500, and the top 50 all deadlift over 550.  

Yeah, none of you would like to be as strong or as jacked as Khalipa.  Suuuuuuuuuure.
Kill yourselves.  Again.

Again, bear in mind that these stats are old- for instance, Jason Khalipa's clean is listed at 335 on the CrossFit site, but he's on video clean and jerking 355 (which would tend to indicate his clean is even higher than 355).  In the same video, Froning snatches 305 when his snatch is listed lower online.  Matthew Fraser's snatch PR is 315 on video, but 300 on the CF website.  Meanwhile, I took so long to write this article that the discrepancy was wider when Beardsley did his analysis.  In any event, rest assured that the PRs of Crossfitters, who don't even train for maximal strength, are greater than those listed in this analysis.

Meanwhile, this random CrossFitter looks 10x as good as Elgin and has actually been laid in the last year.  Oh, and fuck Robert Frank, while I'm at it.  Congrats on being a fucking nobody who's done nothing.  Eat a dick.
And note the background which is appropirate- both of the aforementioned pussies lose in both.  Lots of bullshit and nothing to back it but micropenises.

So, how strong are the top 50 powerlifters at 181 in 2013?  They deadlifted between 590 and 715- obviously bigger than the Crossfitters, but not shockingly so.  There are at least 12 CrossFitters with 600+ deadlifts, which would but them in the top 35 at 181, and the three CrossFitters with > 650lb deadlifts would crack the top 5.  According to the USPA's lifter classifications (which I think are incredibly low, but I've discussed my opinion of lifter rankings before), the average of the top 125 CrossFitters' deadlifters are right around the Master cutoff of 515, and at least there are easily 100 CrossFitters who class Elite by the USPA's classifications at 181.   

So then we have the metric I've mentioned I find laughable in CrossFit- their back squats.  By powerlifter standards, CrossFitters just can't hang... or can they?  Using the USPA standards, 501 is a master classification, 547 is elite, and 596 is international elite.  Given that I have only been outsquatted once in the history of the 181lb division, I feel like I am entitled to cast aspersions on everyone in terms of squatting- I don't use any progression scheme, follow no program, and don't even back squat fully outside of meets much.  I do a combination of jump squats and partials, and with that, I've got the second best unwrapped squat in the history of powerlifting.  Elginsaddity's squat is suicide-inducing, and I'm not even sure his buttbuddy Robbie has legs... so their opinion is null and void.  CrossFitters, however, can weigh in on the topic, because in spite of the fact that they don't even really train the lift, they're better at it than most parties.  Plenty of CrossFitters have a 500+ squat, which would get them into the top 30, and 6 CFers have a squat would land them in the top 8.

Guess who's nowhere near the top of anything at 181?  Elginsaddity.

So, there you have it.  CrossFit might be at times somewhat homoerotic.  It certainly sucks at times.  But competitive CrossFitters are not, as are popularly bandied about "washed up losers."  The only people who would characterize them as such are never-beens and never-will-bes, like your friends Elginsaddity and Robert whatever the fuck his name is not memorable and should die in a fire because he'd have to have sex to have AIDS.

He's like, thhhhhhhho bufffffff.

Congratulations, fans of those pussies!   You suck in multiple dimensions.  And to Elgin Mones and Robert Frank, you two fuckers are nothing, will amount to nothing, and mean nothing to the world at large.  Your fans fucking suck, you suck, and the lot of you should fucking head to New Guinea and drink some fucking Kool Aid, the useless, worthless, and weak omegas that you are.  You're weaker than the people over whom you profess superiority, which is fucking weaker than an AIDS baby in a Oly meet.  You don't understand strength sports, fail to understand strength metrics at any point, and lack the testicular fortitude to prove yourselves on the fucking battlefield... unlike CrossFitters.

Meanwhile, this is what was happening as I typed this ridiculousness.

By the way, you two pussies- I'm smarter, stronger, more well-accredited, leaner, and have a hotter fucking girlfriend than you.  Find a fucking bridge and jump off it.  Your fans' shit talking is fucking noise in the wind, and you two pussies are corpses in search of a fucking tomb.  Pathetic.

So to the rest of you, stop listening to know nothings who will be never be nothings- I have proven myself because I fucking hate people.  They'll never prove themselves, because they're leeches.  Treat them as such.  Salt those pussies.  Move on with your lives.  SALT IS GOD.

That is all.

20 October 2014

Stew-Roids: Arm-Wrasslin' Hillbilly Style

Though it's rare I'll take any cues in life from people 1) missing teeth, 2) wearing hunting camo, or 3) with NRA stickers on their car, there is something to be said for occasionally stealing a page from the hardy, uneducated weirdo one finds on and around mountains in the backwoods of any country.  I would venture to guess that exceptions exist, but at least in the United States (and possibly Canada), one can find all sorts of toothless, hard-drinking, foul-mouthed hardasses who will as soon eat roadkill and threaten a foreigner with a firearms, and who likely has more knowledge on surviving and thriving in conditions most of us would consider deplorable.

Such, apparently, is how life goes in the Ozarks, which are mountains located in the ass end of... actually, none of you should ever go there, so it doesn't matter where they are.  Let's just say they span states most Americans can't find on a map, and is squarely located in the banjo-music filled hell on Earth known as the American Bible Belt, so named because although they've never read the fucking book, the people there are happy to yell about it and Jesus until one of you stabs the other.  If you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not- the Beverly Hillbillies were based on Ozark culture, except that given that the Ozarks were a bastion of rough-and-tumble fighting, imagine the Hillbillies horribly disfigured, sporting filed teeth (all the better to chew off noses) and incredibly prone to random acts of mayhem (Wikipedia).

Though the modern people of the Ozarks mostly just seem to be content to yell about Jesus, speak in tongues, and shoot small animals rather than gouge out each others' eyes and chew off noses, they do have a thriving strength sports culture, and small, informal arm wrestling competitions are the norm in local bars.  That, then would provide both the historical background and modern day evidence one might want for perhaps investigating the local fare, which of course consists of a great deal of game meat and stew.  One of the most popular dishes in the area, and one about which celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain raved, stating it was probably the best drunk food he's ever eaten, is Ozark Chili, otherwise known as Spaghetti Red.

You can go two ways with this dish, as you're about to see.  If you just want hearty, meaty fare that's as keto as gnawing on your next door neighbor's arm and heavy enough in calories to fuel brutal workouts, skip the noodles.  If you want a recipe that's going to put meat on your bones, rescue you from the clutches of a hangover, or serve as a preworkout meal for some drunken armwrestling, add the noodles- just add a cup of cooked spaghetti for every pound of meat in the chili, mix it all together before plating it, and serve.  And although I have no idea why someone would add some of these things to chili (Anthony Bourdain was similarly horrified), Spaghetti Red is typically served with hot sauce, vinegar, ketchup, onions, pickles, shredded cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese, and mustard.  Add those if and when you dare.

Ozark Mountain Chili

3 medium onions, chopped 
6 cloves garlic, minced 
1/2 lb bacon, cut into pieces 
2 0z Gebhardt's chili powder 
1/2 oz dark chili powder
3 lb chuck roast, cubed red pepper to taste 
1 can beef broth 
1 lb hot pork sausage 
1 can green chilies, minced 
1tbsp crushed red pepper
1/2 tsp dried habenero chilies 
1 tsp cumin 
1/2 tsp coriander 
1 can tomato sauce 
1 can Rotel diced tomatoes and green chilies
1/2 cup oregano tea (1 tsp oregano steeped in hot water 30 minutes) 
1 tbs salt 
4 drops Tabasco sauce

  1. Fry bacon until crisp, then add onions, garlic, and both kinds of chili powder. Saute until onions are clear.  
  2. Brown beef in large skillet, a pound at a time, adding sprinkles of red pepper while browning. Add some broth to pan to keep meat from sticking.  Add each batch to crock pot after browning and stir. 
  3. Brown sausage with minced green chilies, then add habeneros when sausage is just about brown. 
  4. Add spices, tomato sauce, Rotel tomatoes, and remaining broth. Mix well and cook for 30 minutes in crock pot on high. 
  5. Add oregano tea and Tabasco. 
  6. Cook on low for 15 more minutes and serve.

Adding three cups of cooked spaghetti to this belly bomb will net you another 884 calories, 5.2g fat, 172g of carbs, and 32 grams of protein... making this one of the most brutal, well-balanced weight gaining recipes I've ever seen.

So, go get your hillybilly on and start packing on that mass... just try to avoid eye-gouging.

Gouging.  Wikipedia.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.

Ozark Mountain Chili.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.  

Spaghetti Red.  Wikipedia.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.

15 October 2014

Your Fat Is Unequivocally Your Fault #5- Goerge Romero Is A Modern Day Nostradamus

Every now and again, when I have that special little extra glow of hate in my heart, like I'm ET's evil cousin sent from hell to destroy the Earth, I mosey on over to a sad little corner of the internet called "Dances With Fat", wherein a shaved, tuskless walrus does its level best to convince the world that she is indeed human, and that being a disgusting fat body is perfectly ok.  And by "perfectly ok" I mean that everyone on planet Earth NEEDS to recognize that "fat is beautiful", "fat is healthy", and that some people just can't help being fat, and we should let them waddle amongst us as if they're real people with brains and souls.

She's a dancin' fool.

In one of her latest installments, the odobenus expert and adiposity apologist decided she would rail against the media's portrayal of Type II diabetes as a land whale related issue:

"An ABC news online report today lead with the line “Half of all American adults are destined to develop diabetes or pre-diabetes by 2020 if they don’t slim down….” It goes on to talk about the “diabesity epidemic”
While I applaud the portmanteau, I have to come down against horrible, irresponsible, unprofessional reporting.
Being overweight doesn't cause diabetes. I know that because the American Diabetes Association says on their website:
Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.
Fact:  Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes.  Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.
Correlation is not causation. The fact that two things happen at the same time doesn’t mean that they cause each other.  It’s quite possible that both things are caused by a third factor, or that they are unrelated.  For example studies are starting to show that, in countries where there is no stigma on obesity, there aren’t negative health outcomes of obesity.  More studies are needed to determine if the constant shame, stigma and guilt faced by obese people in the other cultures causes the health issues, or if it’s something else, or if causality can actually be linked to weight" (Chastain).
That's really her, and I did not add the music myself.  This actually happened.  In real life.

Ah, how lovely it must be to rest one's fat ass on that favorite  adage of the lazy pseudointellectual, "correlation does not equal causation," and utilize it to justify a horrendous and pathetic lifestyle centered around claiming to love the cellulite on your face.  Apparently, our fat-bodied, troglodytic shit pile of an author ran out of rage and Twinkie fueled steam before she could type out "diabetes obesity correlation" into Pubmed, because science bends this fat bitch over and blindly searches for a hole before giving up in disgust and just rapes her face with a broken bottle dusted with cayenne pepper.

Consider this pre-emptive eye wash, because shit's about to get real.

"In a nationally representative sample of US adults, the prevalence of diabetes increases with increasing weight classes. Nearly one fourth of adults with diabetes have poor glycemic control and nearly half of adult diabetics are considered obese suggesting that weight loss is an important intervention in an effort to reduce the impact of diabetes on the health care system" (Nguyen).  That statement would appear to definitively and decisively contradict, though it doesn't explain why the correlation exists.  Luckily, another study does- high levels of a molecule called retinol-binding protein 4 leads to insulin resistance, and those high levels are found in obese people (Moraes-Vieira PM).  The human body treats RBP4 like a foreign invader and wrecks havoc on the body's adaptive immune system, causing systemic inflammation, insulin resistance (which of course leads to more fatness), and eventually diabetes.  In short, getting obese can pretty much turn your body into a runaway train of sadness and fatness... and zombification.

Yes, zombification.  You see, the obese suffer from ailments of which most of us cannot conceive.  For instance, health care professionals often find random things hidden in the panniculi (the pocket underneath a fat fold) of obese patients.  I asked a nurse friend to ask her friends what they'd found in panniculi, and here was the list a few of them compiled (Facebook):

  • Half of a sandwich
  • Pill bottle-still full.
  • Pack of cigarettes
  • Cockroach
  • Remote control from home she'd been looking for "for over a month"
  • A whole, king-size Snicker
  • Furry green object that later determined to be a half eaten cheese sandwich
  • Bugs
  • Creamy yellow yeast build-up from candidiasis
  • Maggots
  • Hershey's chocolate bar with the foil packaging decaying and stuck to the skin, discovered when an unusual rectangular opacity showed up on chest X-ray
  • Teaspoon 
  • Teabag
  • Lemon Drop candies
  • $20 bill
  • Raven .25 auto (though it was under a pancake tit, not a pannus)
  • Peppermint candies, "to help with the smell"
  • Hidden tattoos
  • Bag of Lays chips, half eaten "and growing into skin lollipop"
  • Straws
  • Utensils 
  • Sugar packets
This is a grade 3 panniculus.  They go up to grade 5, however.  You don't want to see grade 5.

You see, not only do these subhumans like to sit in their dank basement apartments pretending to be Galactus while their pile of double-down sandwiches represents our solar system, but they enjoy being filthy, disease-ridden piles of slowly-rotting adipose tissue covered in open sores... much like zombies.  And no, I don't mean filthy in the way I'm filthy, the "that sucked when I got pink eye because that chick missed my mouth and squirted diarrhea in my eye filthy", because I bathe on a daily basis.  We're talking about people who will not move for so long their skin becomes fused to toilets, fused to couches,  and fused to recliners- people who are so incredibly unwashed they live in their own shit and piss for years without bathing.

I circled the maggots for you.  You're quite welcome.

Luckily for them, they can't feel the maggots crawling around on them because with type two diabetes, a condition of damage to sensory nerves results, known as peripheral neuropathy.  Basically, they're like Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds, capable of having their feet beaten to a bloody pulp with a hammer and wouldn't notice a thing.  Well, they'd be like Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds if Sandler gained 200 lbs and gave up on life to the point where showering was a daunting task and a 12 hour, 20 minute finish in a marathon- at a whopping 1.55mph- would be considered a triumph.  While you might be channelling your inner Daniel Tosh and asserting that the incapability of feeling pain would make you well-nigh a superhero, in the land whale population, it's actually the opposite- this is what precipitates the actual rotting portion of the zombification that the excess fat began in the the fatties brains (if you don't feel like clicking, low intelligence correlates strongly with obesity).

Frankly, she'd be in bad shape even for a zombie.

Here's where fat people become imminently more disgusting, and I'm sure a great many of you will climb aboard the ol' Pain Train to shout epithets our our burgeoning population of rotting, corpulent land beasts- these, disgusting, unwashed, waddling ocular assaults have what is known in the scientific world as "shitty skin integrity."  In essence, they're literally falling apart.  Common skin conditions among the obese are:

  • Diabetic Foot Ulcers- "Almost 24 million adults in the United States have diabetes, and obesity is one of the main risk factors for Type II diabetes" (Lowe).  About 15% of these slowly apirating cesspits of adiposity with the fat beetus (Type 2 diabetes) have diabetic foot ulcers and are the most common reason for diabetic patient admission to hospitals.  Slap a bandaid on it and sally forth, you say?  Nah, bro- you forget these failure piles aren't humans and lack human immune systems.  A foot ulcer in a diabetic land whale results in osteomyelitis, amputation, or death because they're so fucking ill and filthy that normal antibiotics often fail to quell a simple skin infection (Ibid).
"You know a doctor or a podiatrist has to cut the toenails on a diabetic patient?  RN's can't even do it, and they don't recommend the patient's do it themselves.  Because one little wound from accidentally cutting off too much nail and breaking the skin can spiral into a shitstorm of ulcers, zombie-foot, and amputation.  Oh!  Sometimes toes are so rotted and dead that they will just fall off in the patients bed!  Yay!"- A nurse friend who wants to keep her job and so contributed anonymously.
  •  Venous Insufficiency Ulcers- This is a condition in which the hideous shitpiles cannot force enough blood into their massive, distended extremities to support life.  Before anyone leaps to the defense of the fat on this, there is "a significant association between BMI and increased clinical severity of chronic venous disease" (Ibid).  It's not just a venous disease thing- the fatties have such shitty epididimal integrity that any reduction in blood flow basically results in these sorry motherfuckers' bodies falling apart (ibid).
  • Lymphedema- This fun-filled spectacle is the result of impaired lymph drainage, which causes swelling of the limbs, bacterial infections, and thickening of the skin (Ibid).  When this occurs, the skin cracks, infection sets in, and out comes the bone saw.  
  • Intertrigo- For those of you who squat as often as I do and have extreme thigh hypertrophy, you're aware that baby powder is a necessity if you're going to be walking any real distance.  Fat people, apparently, can't be bothered, and suffer from intertrigo, which are skin folds that retain heat and moisture as the result of friction between skin surfaces.  Prepare to heave up your last meal, as "frequent sites of intertrigo are skin folds and areas that retain heat and moisture such as: posterior neck, axilla, under breasts, under pannus, perineal area, and inner thighs" (Ibid).  If you didn't catch that, it's common under fat folds, man titties, the taint, the armpit, AND THE BACK OF THE NECK.  That shit results in inflammation, liquification of the skin, and skin erosion, in addition to the standard bone-saw attracting infections.
Let there be cleanse.
  • Psoriasis- We've all seen commercials for psoriasis, and they don't feature humanoid Jabba the Huts.  This is called "false advertising", because there's a stark "correlation between obesity, metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular risk and psoriasis" (Ibid).  So, we can add skin redness and irritation to their list of ailments.
  • Perineal Dermatitis- Oh joy!  As if they weren't filthy enough, fatties are often incontinent, which gives them infections of their taint skin... because they can't be bothered to wipe after they shit or piss themself.
  • Pressure Ulcers- Perhaps the most disgusting thing on the list, these overstuffed halfwits manage to get so fat that the weight of their skin pressing on other skin causes the underlying skin to die from lack of blood flow.  Frankly, of all of the impossible shit on thsi list, this seems the hardest for me to wrap my considerable intellect around, because even when I've gone hogging I've never fucked a chick so fat or immobile that such a condition could occur.  Apparently, however, it occurs, and it's a common cause of necrosis in fat people... or should we just start calling them zombies?  If they're simply rotting alive, don't notice it, and are simply driven by the urge to keep eating and do nothing else, calling the obese zombies seems appropriate.

Not sure if this is a pic hospital in North Carolina during the Civil War or from last week.  It's one or the other... or both.

Lest you think that the whine of the bone saw isn't as frequent as I've suggested, think again.  Hospitals these days, especially in the American South, are turning into Civil War battlefield hospitals, and lopping off off gangrenous limbs is an all-too-frequent occurrence where the diabetic adipose-abundant are concerned.  Sure, people who aren't disgusting fatasses dripping with type II diabetes get shit amputated as well... at a rate eight times lower than that of the fatties (Johannson).  And if you think that diabetes-related amputations aren't all that frequent, think again- "diabetes-related amputation per 10,000 persons with diabetes in 1991 was 95.25 in African-Americans, 55.98 in non-Hispanic whites, and 44.43 in Hispanics," and the incidence of type II diabetes has more than doubled in the last 20 years (Johannesson, AFP).  Though those statistics don't differentiate between the diabetes types, the nurses I surveyed estimated that the rate of amputation for Type II to Type I was greater than 20:1, due in large part to the fact that Type II diabetes in the US is generally the result of poor diet, lack of exercise, and generally being a useless, worthless, contemptible piece of shit, and the fact that Type II diabetes accounts for 90-95% of the diabetes in the United States (AFP).

In short, the segment of the population identified as obese is a vacuous, filthy, diabetic, maggot-infested, slowly rotting group of selfish and useless individuals who are systematically reducing modern medicine to Civil War standards and practices by making the the bone saw one of the most important ER surgery tools and who are placing an undue strain on society as a whole.  While I will stop short of advocating genocide, I wouldn't suggest taking some drastic measures would be out of the question- if whale oil can fuel lamps, be used to create soap, and provide humanity with a non-toxic alternative to transmission fluid, it seems we could easily find a use for the obese.  Given that we've established they're stupid, terrible drivers, filthy, diseased, worthless sacks of shit, we might as well find some use for them, even if it's just in death.


A short addendum from an RN:
"It would be awesome, but nigh impossible, to find data re: money / hours / productivity lost secondary to obesity.  E.g., some patients have to be manually turned, side to side every 2 hours, while in bed. For a normal sized person that takes one or two RNs. For a walrus it takes 4 or 5 (or more). Every two hours.  For a normal pt it takes only 1 RN to insert a foley catheter. Fatties = 4 or more: one each to hold the legs back/open, 1 or 2 to hold back the pannus, 1 to aim the flashlight, and 1 to insert.Bigger wheelchairs, bigger beds, bigger bed sheets, more medication (antibiotics are fire weight-based)"

AFP Relaxnews.  Diabetes rose dramatically from mid-1990's to 2010: CDC; Prevalence of the disease increased by at least 50% in 42 of the country's 50 states.  Daily News.  19 Nov 2012.  Web.  16 Oct 2014.

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Critical link between obesity, diabetes identified. ScienceDaily. 6 Mar 2013.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.

Chastain, Ragan.  The Truth about “Diabesity.”  Dances With Fat.  25 Nov 2010.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.

Facebook status for Allison Bartley.  Facebook.  27 Sep 2014.  Web.  14 Oct 2014.

Johannesson A, Larsson GU, Ramstrand N, Turkiewicz A, Wiréhn AB, Atroshi I.  Incidence of lower-limb amputation in the diabetic and nondiabetic general population: a 10-year population-based cohort study of initial unilateral and contralateral amputations and reamputations.  Diabetes Care. 2009 Feb;32(2):275-80.

Lowe JR.Skin Integrity in Critically Ill Obese Patients.  Crit Care Nurs Clin North Am. Sep 2009; 21(3): 311–v.

Moraes-Vieira PM, Yore MM, Dwyer PM, Syed I, Aryal P, Kahn BB.  RBP4 activates antigen-presenting cells, leading to adipose tissue inflammation and systemic insulin resistance.  Cell Metab. 2014 Mar 4;19(3):512-26.

Nguyen NT, Nguyen XM, Lane J, Wang P.  Relationship between obesity and diabetes in a US adult population: findings from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, 1999-2006.  Obes Surg. 2011 Mar;21(3):351-5.